Terrorist Travel Times
Friday, August 11, my mother called first thing in the morning. She normally doesn't check in with me until late in the afternoon, depending on what time zone I'm in. What was so important? A tornado hit? Something happen to the dog? She get a new cell plan with more daytime minutes? No, she had been shaken to the bone by nationwide news that had developed overnight. And now she called to tell me: She could never fly again.
It was the morning after the UK Sports Drink/Camera flight-bombing shakedown, and talk of the incident, and how it was affecting flight travel, was still the dominant news story everywhere. My Mom had spent twenty years working for the airlines, so quitting air travel was a very serious thing for her. Was she afraid of getting blown up? Was she afraid her weak knees wouldn't be able to withstand the longer security lines? No, it was something much worse: She could not take her Chapstick with her onboard a flight anymore.
Now, if that doesn't spell crisis for the millions of beauty-conscious women traveling across America and the UK, I don't know what does. We can handle taking our shoes off despite the risk of a run in our tights. We can handle higher ticket prices despite lighter wallets. We've even been leaving our box cutters and screwdrivers at home the past five years (who the heck was carrying these onboard before, anyway?!). All these things are changes we adapted to, albeit begrudgingly, after this country's last big flight-related crisis time, 9/11. We are an adaptable bunch in the face of adversity. But, take away our lipstick? Now, that's where we draw the line!
Since last Thursday, the reaction-driven Transportation Security Agency (TSA) has come to their senses a bit and slightly amended the list of things they banned from our carry-ons that day. Lipstick (and my mother's precious Chapstick) is now allowed. As is saline solution, eye drops, cough syrup, and other over-the-counter medications, as long as they're in 4 oz. bottles or smaller (the mini-est mini size bottle of saline). But as of this publishing, the following are still banned from all carry-on luggage: all beverages (water, coffee, soda, etc.), deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, hairspray, gel, make-up remover, lotion, anti-wrinkle creams, liquid cleansers, acne treatments, nail polish, nail polish remover, toothpaste, mouthwash, suntan lotion, sunless tanning lotion, perfume, Purel, lube, liquor, liquid nitrogen, and any other similar liquid or gelatinous product you can think of that will probably cost you anywhere from $2-$100 to replace if taken away from you by security for the audacity of not remembering to remove it from your bag.
In short, my entire toiletries case. OK, maybe not my entire toiletries case—I usually leave the last three listed items at home. But, pretty much everything I use to keep from looking and smelling really gnarly in front of strangers every day and to keep basically comfortable and hydrated en route: water for a hydrated body and lip gloss for hydrated lips. Deprived of both for one trip from LA to Chicago, and I just might, as my mother said, be “half-dead” by the time I'm finally reunited with my luggage and the precious hydrators inside.
I can't help but wonder about liquid items that aren't on the above list. If the TSA's saying all liquids are banned, then all liquids should be banned, right? That should include mascara and liquid blush and eyeliner, shouldn't it? (Yes, it does—they'll take it away, but haven't listed it on the TSA's official list yet.) What about the ink in pens? That's liquid. Then there's the liquid in my ice-blast breath freshening pellets and Dayquil Gel Caps. The factory-sealed cases that hold my extra disposable contact lenses carry liquid. Wet-naps are moist. And, while we're at it, what about our own blood? I mean, what if someone happens to scratch a mosquito bite too hard while waiting to board their plane, and blood—a LIQUID!—starts oozing down their leg. Shouldn't THEY be banned, too? Or at least hand the blood over? “Take my blood! Please! Anything! Just let me on the plaaaaaaane!!!!”
Yes, that's what it's come to, folks. Blood or plane.
I, for one, am beyond worried. Because the powers-that-be are now saying these new rules are here to stay. And, even if they're not, I'm sure they're here for at least a while. It took the TSA four years to let us carry scissors and nail clippers back on board. We cannot wait that long for water and make-up again. Sure, us women are the ones probably most affected by these new regulations—yet another example of high-level decision-making made my men, with only the slightest consideration for the other half of the population out there. But these changes affect all travelers, and the entire travel industry, more than anything I have seen in my lifetime of travel thus far.
Those that have long traveled with just a carry-on (myself being one of them) now only have the choice of Fed-Exing their toiletries, buying and then disposing of them in their travel destination, or checking a bag, thereby adding perhaps another thirty minutes to an hour of travel time to check and wait for their bags, only to have them possibly lost in the end.
Businesses that sell liquids and toiletries in airports face a major rehauling of their allowed retail items. The Body Shop has already closed half their airport stores. And you can probably soon say goodbye to sports bar cocktails imbibed while killing twelve hours in a snowstorm that doesn't allow anyone to leave the airport—Unless our airport security system is completely revamped to put permanent security checks at each gate to rid passengers of the forbidden items they may have bought in the terminal after the initial security check. Since August 10, all airports have set up temporary secondary security checks at some gates for this sort-of thing since, but it will take millions of dollars, twice the manpower, and many months, perhaps years, to set up something more serious and permanent, if this double-security check is meant to stay.
Airlines, already cash-strapped, face spending more money to keep passengers happy en-flight or, heck, to keep passengers at all. When you're facing an extra two hours or more without your personal necessities or liquids (after checking your bag, getting through lengthened security lines, waiting on the tarmac, waiting for your things at baggage claim), many passengers are starting to revert to old-school trains and buses for short jaunts rather than deal with flying hassles. What can the airlines do? Provide toiletries for passengers? Some, like Air Canada, already are—but isn't the whole point of these new rules to keep such toiletries off the planes? How 'bout adding more beverages? Southwest is stocking more, but other airlines say they don't even go through half their onboard beverage stash as it is.
Normally, most passengers get one, maybe two, visits from the flight attendant to deliver beverages during a flight. You traditionally get one tiny cup of liquid each time—three sips in the cup, if you're lucky. Add a salty snack, the dehydrating effect of flying, and a ban on carry-on beverages, and, before you know it, you have half the parched plane ringing the attendants for more liquid...which means you get less personal service and less water to survive your ordeal. Need I mention the utter catastrophe if Mr. Right just happens to be sitting next to you on the plane and you look like complete crap because you sweated off all your make-up running for the gate, and can't freshen up 'cause all your make-up's in your CHECKED SUITCASE!!? For some of us, you might as well put a bullet in our head right now 'cause Chapstick just ain't gonna cut it in that situation. The Cosmopolitan Traveler NEEDS perky pink lip gloss and expensive hair and beauty products. And I'm not just talking about the ladies.
I do not condone allowing substances onboard that could be real threats to our country's security, of course. Travel is my business and my life. Traveling safely is at the top of my concerns. I hate that I can no longer get on a plane without simple old-fashioned worry about crashing because of a mechanical failure or drunk pilot. Now I have to worry about who my other passengers are, what they are carrying with them, what they are doing. As one reporter recently said on television, “We're at war,” and now I have to look at every person I come into contact with in high-threat territories (airports) as the enemy, and possibly act accordingly to save us all! The worry of terrorists hitting airliners again had faded for me for a while in the years following 9/11, but now it is back, bigger than ever. And I hate that.
But, for God's sake, any intelligent person knows that terrorists don't use lip gloss. Or hair gel. Or any other hipster-driven beauty products like Kiehl's or sunless tanning lotion. If anything, that should be what the security officials are checking for: questionable-backgrounded passengers who are carrying Sephora bags. That's as big a giveaway as anything.
Fact is, we are wasting our security-screeners' valuable time by making them look for 12-hour lip gloss. They need to be looking for high-risk PEOPLE, not THINGS. And that requires a truly effective traveler profiling system—something that security officials have been asking for for five years and something that, until last week, I was firmly against. Too “Big Brother” for me, I thought. But George Orwell didn't take into account women's need for beautiful, shiny, colored lips. And that need alone would make me, and my mother, sign up for the program tomorrow if we could.
Before these new regulations, I always said my favorite place to be in the world was on a plane. I always flew with the largest bottle of water possible, eye drops for my contacts, moisturizer for my lips, and business to catch up on: mail, writing, computer stuff, all of which I could work on without any interruptions by phone calls, emails, or anyone being able to reach me whatsoever. It's about the only place left in the world where that's the case. I could spend three hours in the air looking good (lip gloss at the ready), feeling good (bottled water at arms' length), and doing good work. The TSA has now taken two of those things away from me. Rumor is, laptops and phones are next, which means I can also say goodbye to the third. That happens, then you can find me toiling away in Paris. It's always been my second favorite place in the world—but with easily-accessible trains connecting to all of Europe, and the ability to work on my laptop along every little railway stopover, it just may become my #1 place to live. Anyone know how to say “lip gloss” in French?
Post-script: Despite this article, over Labor Day weekend, Susan got five lip glosses confiscated by Airport Security after forgetting to remove them from her carry-on bag.
They completely missed the eye cream still in her pants pocket and the bottle of water purchased after the Security checkpoint.
The cream cheese to go with her bagel was taken, as well.
Post-post script: After six long weeks, the TSA heeded the anguished cries of Americans and re-allowed toiletries in our carry-ons as of September 25. We are now allowed one tiny, quart-sized ziplock bag of personal gels and liquids: cosmetics, shampoos, hair sprays, and, yes, lip glosses, etc. again. And, while we still can't carry bottles of water through security, we have now been re-alloted the privilege of paying $6 for a bottle of water from a gate-side shop and carrying it onto the plane. Don't even think about carrying two ziplock bags through security, though. You're just asking for it then.
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