Security Survival
If you've flown anywhere in the U.S. since 2001, you know that getting to
your destination in relative ease now is as much a thing of the past as
Michael Jackson's popularity. It is not unusual to see entire airports shut
down from one passenger getting, for example, a pen through security without
notice (the ballpoint, especially one with a retractable clicky end, is
apparently now amongst the most lethal of weapons for 65 year-old, 300-pound
accountant/terrorists). With today's hyper-paranoia of air travel
personnel, the seventeen security checkpoints to get to the gate, the lines
at every step of your journey (starting in traffic five miles from the
airport), diminishing parking availability, and holes in your socks when you
are required to remove your shoes, what's the already stress-impacted,
time-limited, just-let-me-get-on-the-$%&@#-in'-plane traveler to do?
Take lots of valium. No, really, I've got a few hard-earned tips to help
you get through the maze we call Post-9/11 Security and to your destination
as easily as possible.
Baggin' a High-Alert Bag: Start thinking about security when you're
packing. I have always preferred carry-on luggage whenever possible; with
the total inability to keep your checked-through luggage locked from sticky
fingers these days, I am a bigger fan of carry-on than ever. Unfortunately,
carry-on limits what you can take with you—but not as much as it used to
just two years ago. I have had cuticle cutters, pointy nail files, rounded
kids' scissors, and a pepper spray keychain all removed from my possession
by security officials since 9/11. The Transportation Security
Administration has since realized these items are about as life-threatening
as me on a bad hair day and now allows them in carry-on—along with
corkscrews, cigar cutters, disposable razors, and up to two lighters. For a
current list of prohibited and permitted carry-on items, for domestic
flights only, see the TSA's website,
http://www.tsa.dot.gov/public/interapp/editorial/editorial_1012.xml
Print the list out and carry it with you, in case an uninformed security
official does want to take away your knitting needles—you can argue its
allowability with the proof of the TSA's own "permitted" list.
Large (more than 4 oz.) pepper sprays without a safety mechanism,
pocketknives, hunting knives, ice picks, "Num-chucks", hatchets, and, yes,
even your fuzzy handcuffs meant for the bedroom are all still prohibited. If
found in your carry-on, these items will be removed from your possession,
may shut down the airport, and may land you in an 8x8 windowless
interrogation room, naked, with a tape recorder shoved up your nose rather
than a Mai-Tai in your hand on the beach of Barbados, where you were headed.
So, for God's sake, if you just can't live without your power drill or
cattle prod, pack them in your checked luggage (if you MUST check a bag).
Unless you're packing a gun—leave that at home completely, please, for me.
Please note these rules and regulations apply only when flying in the
U.S. The restrictions for international flights are much more varied, so
when flying out of the country, please leave even the nail file either at
home or in your checked bag, just to be safe.
Scrambling out the Door: If you are as busy as me, you probably like
to time your departure for the airport down to the last minute possible and
drive or rush like Courtney Love on speed to make it on-time. Leave two
hours before your flight?! Pshaw! At least you didn't have wait in the
lounge for a whole ten minutes before boarding!
If you live in a major metropolitan area, however, you are risking your
entire trip for your inflexibility. Trust me, TAKE THE AIRLINES' ADVICE.
Actually, don't. Take my advice and leave not just two hours before, but
2.5-3 hours before your flight leaves, especially if you're parking at the
airport. At holiday times, leave three hours before, minimum—even if you're
just flying domestic. Yes, you may end up breezing through security. Yes,
you MAY end up waiting to board on the other end. But, you will not be
plopping into your assigned seat in a cold sweat, out of breath, mind
racing, and arguing with your travel companion before you've even gotten off
the ground. The last five flights I have taken, I have left 2.5-3 hours
before the flight, and it has barely been enough time. I am not checking
bags, I am not waiting for a shuttle, I am passing quickly through security,
and yet I am still arriving at the gate just as the plane is boarding.
Things just take significantly longer for every traveler these days.
Oh, and if you drive yourself to the airport, be sure to empty your car of
anything valuable before leaving home and lock the doors securely—security
within airports may be akin to Big Brother these days, but outside the
airport still seems like a ghost town just waiting for theft possibilities,
in comparison.
That's a "Check" on the Check-in: We could talk at length about
Skycap vs. desk check-in vs. electronic check-in, but the only thing about
check-in which is relevant to security issues is: you need to do it. Prior
to 9/11, you could pass through security with just the printout of your
e-ticket confirmation off your computer. Not anymore. Don't even bother
printing that thing out unless you can't remember your travel times or
airline. To get anywhere near a gate now, you need your boarding pass. So
check in. And check-in whichever way appears quickest (personal opinion:
curbside Skycap if checking a bag or electronic computer check-in from home
[check if your airline does this] or at the airport, if just carrying on).
You still have time-consuming Security Hell to get through ahead.
Where the hell is my ticket, ID, and Dramamine?: These days, you
need to be a multi-tasking expert to get to your destination without losing
a thing—your boarding pass, your ID, your child. To keep you from losing the
key things that will get you through security, I recommend attaching as much
as possible to your body. Otherwise, you will be pulling your ID out of
your wallet 3 times, having to stick it back in properly, having to stick
your wallet somewhere, keep track of your boarding pass and remember what
pocket you stuffed it in, plus make sure no one steals your watch or laptop
when it comes out on the other end of the conveyer belt. Trust me, if
things are attached to you, there's a much lesser chance they will get lost.
When I fly, I only wear pants with belt loops. My wallet has my ID in a
see-through pocket. My wallet has a keychain. The keychain is attached to a
carabineer. And that carabineer is always attached to my belt loop. My
boarding pass goes in a see-through neck pouch made just for airline tickets
when traveling. When an attendant needs to see both, I hold up the pass
from my neck and flip open my wallet (still attached to my waist), and I
don't have to remove anything from anywhere and risk dropping or losing it
when forced to quickly stuff it back somewhere because I'm being hurriedly
pushed onward by the people behind me. My cell phone is on a clip that also
attaches to my waistband.
Security Tango: Of course, I have to remove all of the things on my
body when I get to the x-ray area. When there's a hundred people behind you,
who only have one bag each to put on the belt, holding the line up to remove
all these items can make you feel like the sole cashier at McDonald's when
the fries run out at lunch time. Therefore, to minimize the probability of
a riot brewing behind me, I try to minimize the other things I need to take
off or out to put on the conveyer belt. I don't wear a watch or any jewelry
besides cubic zirconium diamond studs (real diamonds are much too much a
security risk). The water bottle and sweater I always carry have already
been stuffed in an outside pocket of my bag. My laptop easily comes out of
a Velcro-top case.
My shoes usually present the biggest problem. Since they would otherwise
take up such a huge part of my suitcase and be heavy to carry, I like to
wear my bulkiest shoes on the plane. For me, this means boots—combat,
cowboy, or hiking, depending on my destination. All of these shoes slip on
and off quite easily, if left untied (for those that do tie). For guys,
their bulkiest shoes may mean their "going out" shoes. For those who will
be using the gym or doing the heavy "tourist" thing, it means gym shoes.
These are one of the few types of shoes that will not have to be taken off
when passing through security. Flip-flops and ballet slippers can also stay
on your feet at the checkpoint, but they're so small and lightweight,
they're better carried in your suitcase.
No matter what you have to take off at security, if you are taking a long
time putting your stuff in the conveyer belt bins, tell those behind you to
go around you—they're usually quite pleased to do so. Oh, and make sure
you're wearing matching socks without holes.
Word of warning: Although few people utilize collapsible luggage cards
anymore, if you do, you don't have to take everything apart at security. You
can put the whole cart, bag still attached, onto the conveyer belt.
However, make sure that the bungee cords are securely attached and that you
are the only person near the bag. Otherwise, as you stick the bundle on the
belt, you might find one of the bungee cords snapping off and flying into
the head of the conveyer belt security woman who just nicely told you that
you didn't have to take your bundle apart. The "accident" report you'll
have to fill out afterward while the bawling woman is consoled by three
other security personnel who are now no longer watching security, may make
you late for your flight—or distract the personnel enough for a true
terrorist to get his homemade walkman/bomb through security after you. Uh,
I do not speak from experience here. Just advising.
Mecca: Boarding: You've made it to the airport. You've checked your
bag. You've gotten through security without a strip search and made it to
the gate without losing your passport or your boyfriend. If you're lucky,
you have time to sit and relax before getting on the plane…where you'll sit
some more for 2, 4, or 9 hours. Bring a magazine with you to pass the time,
or find an electrical outlet to make sure your cell phone, laptop, or PDA
are charged as much as possible before boarding. When finally getting on
the plane, be calm and orderly while standing in your twelve-thousandth
line—you're almost there.
After onboard, be respectful. Think of the flight attendants not as hot
things to harass who are at your beck and call. Think of them as your
junior high gym teacher who made you do 200 push-ups for chewing gum.
Flight attendants are mighty powerful these days—and paranoid. Power +
paranoia = making your life miserable, if provoked. I know you're the
customer, and they should bow to you. I know you might really have to go to
the bathroom and want to wait in line, lest someone else get in the lavatory
before you. I know champagne is free in First Class. But you do NOT want
to go through what I went through recently when my travel plans were delayed
several hours.
The plane I was due to board arrived at the terminal late for us because a
passenger on it got "unruly" with the flight attendant who would not let her
get up and go to the bathroom with the seatbelt sign on. Even though the
woman was elderly, apparently her attitude made her a security threat, so,
upon disembarking, she was greeted at our gate by four LAPD officers.
My flight left late, almost everyone on board missed their connecting
flights, and I missed the entire event for which I was heading cross-country
for 36 hours.
You are not allowed to line up outside an airplane lavatory anymore. You are
not allowed to wander the plane at length while the "fasten seatbelt" sign
is on. You are not allowed to sass a stewardess when your Travelers' Rage
is gripping you. Suck it up. Sit down. And go to the bathroom well before
you're about to pee in your pants.
Plan ahead, and you might arrive at your destination with a relaxed attitude
and a romantic feeling in the air. Isn't that what a vacation is supposed
to be about? And if all else fails, you can always take the valium. |
